The Johnny Bottle

A first attempt at a wine bottle with Johnny Depp on the label for Spiteful & Delightful fans. Will do better when I have Corel Draw back on my machine.

Another Tip For Criminals

It probably all seemed like such a good idea. You're Malaysian. You're young. You've got some friends. You hatch a plan.

Not a masterstroke of a plan, mind you. But a plan nonetheless. Lacking perhaps the refinement of a high-end con job, or the glamourous adventure of a 1930's bank heist, but certainly above the level of run-of-the-mill street thuggery.

The plan was this: enter the front lobby of a bank, where the ATM machines are, rip the machine off the wall, smash it open and take the cash. What the plan was for the getaway and future plans for the cash are unknown as they didn't actually get that far.

Their first problem was that the bank had night security which was alerted to a problem by the giant crash of the machine hitting the floor. When the security guard came to check things out, the three men fled.

The men had managed to pry their way into the machine, but did not find any cash. The reason? That particular machine never has cash as it is not an ATM machine, but a cheque deposit machine.

So the tips for criminals interested in this type of endeavor:
1. Find out whether the bank has security around at the time of your attempt.
2. Be reasonable sure that the machine will have a camera in it.
3. Even without on-site security, there will be other types of alarms, so time is of the essence. This means check things out first, and for God's sake, make sure you pick the right machine! I can't stress this enough.

Related question - how secure is your bank when you go in to use an ATM? Most branches have locked doors, and you need to swipe your bank card through a scanner to gain access. You would like to think that this reads your card info and that they can find out who entered the ATM lobby. This should mean that if someone used their card to come in behind you and rob you of what you took out, that there is a way to track them. However, I suspect that the scanner merely looks for any magnetic stripe and don't give a hoot what, if any, information is on the card. I have successfully used the following cards to enter ATM lobbies: driver's license, health card, university student card and a CAA card. The next thing to try will be a photocopy card from the university. It doesn't have the black magnetic stripe on the back, but instead a small square on the front. I'll try to see if I can get that to open the door. I might also write to a few banks and ask them what those card readers are supposed to do anyway.

Spiteful & Delightful Game #1

Today's game is simple, fun and guaranteed to waste some valuable work time.

Step One: Go to http://www.spitefuldelightful.blogspot.com

Step Two: Find the typo missed by teachers and academics alike.

Step Three: Add a comment on this blog to note that you've found it.

Prize for winning: Affirmation for your spelling and proof-reading abilities, tempered with the realization that you probably didn't find it until it was pointed out to you that it was there to be found.

Prize for second and several subsequent places: Same as the winning prize, just slightly less self-affirming and the annoying realization that other people found it first. You can argue that this was because you were working. However, we all know that the key to working is to accomplish little but still get paid. That's why God had nerds create the internet. That's why God created lunch. That's why God created jewellry, nice clothes, breasts, men with fabulous asses and all the other things that make work worth getting up for.

Prize for last place: Jeers, taunts, and the awful, horrible realization that you've been spending way to much valuable work time actually working.

Chances of winning first prize depends on who looks at this first.
Chances of winning last prize depends on the number of entries received, and how many consecutive days of staring at the Spitefule & Delightful blog it takes to find the error, all the while, being inwardly consumed by frustration and fear and the nagging sensation that your boss is watching.

Money For Nothing!

I like money for nothing. I like the song by Dire Straits. I also actually like the actual money.

Today, for the second time in about six weeks, money has fallen to me from the trees. Well, to be a bit more precise, a tree fell to be pulped into paper. Some of the paper made an envelope. (Not as nice as last week's envelope, but a decent 'lope nonetheless.) Some of the tree was also pressed into cheque form, which was then placed in the envelope and mailed to my house.

In late June, I got a tax refund. This was a bit unexpected as I had previously sent the government a cheque for over $1,500 when I filed my return. Apparently, there was an overpayment of CPP. This always seems to happen to me and perhaps I should just factor that in to next year's return and shortchange Revenue Canada by thirty bucks or so. All I do is follow their calculations as set out in the form. The math always adds up, yet always ends up wrong.

Today, I got a separate from your spouse credit. I was pleasantly surprised. I was worried at first. From the top of the stairs I could see a government envelope and thought that they wanted their CPP overpayment adjustment refund back, to be sent in with Form T64998-5A with a Declaration that I had indeed managed to find a way to pull more money out of my ass and send it in. But then, I could see that what was inside the envelope was not a blue form of death, but a yellow form of Money For Nothing. Now, a defamation of character and general connivance award refunded to me and charged to her tax account would seem fair, the amount should probably be more than the $173 I found in the mail. So, technically, it's not a separate from your spouse credit. But, having separated, I now qualify again for the GST credit. So now I will have to adjust my tax return for last year and apply for the credit for this year too.

But now later today, like any good baby bonus/welfare/other government assistance/nuisance lawsuit award winner, I will be off to the liquor store!